vinterangels blogg

Allt det som hänt har gjort mig till den jag är idag, jag har varit och skrapat långt ner i känslomässiga gropar och när jag väl tog mig upp till kanten och började gå därifrån, började få hopp om att allt kunde faktiskt fixa sig till slut.
Jag hade fel.
Istället känner jag hur jag bokstavligt talat dras tillbaka av gropens rötter.
Jag dras tillbaka dit jag en gång lovat mig själv att jag aldrig skulle hamna igen.
Just nu finns det inget som kan få mig att hoppas på att det faktiskt finns något som kallas äkta lycka, för så fort man börjar få en bit av den så bryts det sönder på ett eller annat sätt.
Är det inte det ena så är det tamefan det andra.
Är så jävla trött på det här.

Jag känner att jag dras tillbaka sakta men säkert, kan inte göra nått åt det. Ångesten stiger till den grad att luften inte längre går att andas in. Jag skakar, gråter paniken tar över helt o hållet.
Jag börjar tvivla på allt.
Jag är tillbaka där jag en gång började och det finns inget som kan ändra på saken, jag stänger er ute trots att jag kanske inte alltid vill.
Inget kommer bli detsamma som det en gång var.

(Innan ni yttrar er om detta är för att få uppmärksamhet - svaret är då NEJ, detta är min blogg och här skriver jag ut det jag känner oavsett vem som läser.)

Att höra din röst i detta läget är det som får mig att dras tillbaka dit jag en gång försökte fly i från.
Du förväntar dig att jag ska kunna släppa det förflutna och behaga dig precis som förr.
Du förväntar dig att jag ska vara något jag inte är och dessutom aldrig kommer att vara.

Är trött på att du inte kan respektera att även om jag förändrats en del till det positiva så kommer det negativa alltid ligga och tränga i bakhuvudet.
Är trött på att du går med på andras falska spel och kontrollbehov.

Är det verkligen så svårt att du själv inte kan göra det du förväntar dig att jag ska ?
Är det verkligen så svårt att inse, inse att av flera år av destruktiv bergochdalbana, att jag kanske verkligen behöva den här pausen för att försöka hitta mig själv innan jag gör några beslut överhuvudtaget.
Är det verkligen så svårt att förstå att vissa sår kommer aldrig läka, inte ens med tiden.

1. Who was the last person you held hands with?
my mom


2. Are you outgoing or shy?
mostly shy

3. Who are you looking forward to seeing?
A very wonderful person

4. Are you easy to get along with?
depends , kinda wierd


5. If you were drunk would the person you like take care of you?
Idk maybe, never been drunk so...


6. What kind of people are you attracted to?
The cute, dorky and special ones.


7. Do you think you’ll be in a relationship two months from now?
How am I suppose to know ??

8. Who from the opposite gender is on your mind?
T


9. Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable?

Yeah...

10. Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with?

T I think.

11. What does the most recent text that you sent say?
<3


12. What are your 5 favourite songs right now?
Shadow moses, don't go, recovery adn I don't wanna lose you


13. Do you like it when people play with your hair?
Yes I LOVE it ! 0.o

14. Do you believe in luck and miracles?
Yes i do .


15. What good THING happened this summer? (the summer isn't over)
possibly närcon, otherwise meating my cousin/best friend


16. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?
hell to the no !

17. Do you think there is life on other planets?
Yes i do.

18. Do you still talk to your first crush?
not really, I've seen him and said hi but that doesn't count to me.


19. Do you like bubble baths?
Yes, but I don't have a bathtub ....

20. Do you like your neighbours?
no I don't know them

21. What are your bad habits?
I'm wierd, lazy and kinda stupid


22. Where would you like to travel?
japan,italy and england.

23. Do you have trust issues?
yes, it needs alot of time to come over that trust issue.


24. Favorite part of your daily routine?
sleeping, music ^^

25. What part of your body are you most uncomfortable with?
my legs

26. What do you do when you wake up?
stay in the bed for like hours ....

27. Do you wish your skin was lighter or darker?
not really , I don't really care


28. Who are you most comfortable around?
T, and my friends and mom.

29. Have any of your ex’s told you they regret breaking up?
no

30. Do you ever want to get married?
yes some day maybe if i come so far.

31. Is your hair long enough for a pony tail?
ya


32. Which band members would you have a threesome with?
noone.
33. Spell your name with your chin.
mjnren n iffrft .... lmao

34. Do you play sports? What sports?
not atm but will be starting to dance again.


35. Would you rather live without TV or music?
i would live without a tv but not music


36. Have you ever liked someone and never told them?
yes and that hurts.

37. What do you say during awkward silences?
I'm sorry


38. Describe your dream girl/guy?
cute,dependant,funny,easy going, understanding, good taste of music and other shit, just a person that understands me.

39. What are your favourite stores to shop in?
indiska idk


40. What do you want to do after high school?
GET A JOB or develope something that i'm good at.


41. Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance?
Yes i do

42. If you’re being extremely quiet what does it mean?
moslty that Idk what to say ...


43. Do you smile at strangers?
not really, good to see people smile though


44. Trip to outer space or bottom of the ocean?
Outer space definitely.


45. What makes you get out of bed in the morning?
my mom


46. What are you paranoid about?
Spiders and relapse..


47. Have you ever been high?
No


48. Have you ever been drunk?
Nope. just drunk on flumm.


49. Have you done anything recently that you hope nobody finds out about?
ya


50. What was the colour of the last hoodie you wore?
darkblue


51. Ever wished you were someone else?
Yes.


52. One thing you wish you could change about yourself?
My attitude to the life.


53. Favourite makeup brand?
foundation and mascara ^^


54. Favourite store?
bokia


55. Favourite blog?
don't have one


56. Favourite colour?
BLACK,blue and purple


57. Favourite food?
morotstuvning med falukorv, tacos

58. Last thing you ate?
have not eaten anything , well a pear yesterday


59. First thing you ate this morning?
nothing.

60. Ever won a competition? For what?
Hmm once in a GAME for nothing..


61. Been suspended/expelled? For what?
nope.


62. Been arrested? For what?
nope


63. Ever been in love?
yes


64. Tell us the story of your first kiss?
It was akward.

65. Are you hungry right now?
no

66. Do you like your tumblr friends more than your real friends?
no real ones are best.


67. Facebook or Twitter?
fb , don't have twitter


68. Twitter or Tumblr?
Tumblr<3


69. Are you watching tv right now?
no

70. Names of your bestfriends?
J,E,E,B

71. Craving something? What?
Närcon

72. What colour are your towels?
blue

72. How many pillows do you sleep with?
3

73. Do you sleep with stuffed animals?
Not anymore


74. How many stuffed animals do you think you have?
1


75. Favourite animal?
cat,dog horse , monkey and panda


76. What colour is your underwear?
purple


77. Chocolate or Vanilla?
Chocolate


78. Favourite ice cream flavour?
Melon


79. What colour shirt are you wearing?
grey/blue

80. What colour pants?
darkblue... my moms


81. Favourite tv show ?
American horror story, pll and tvd


82. Favourite movie?
lion king, cyberbully, the fault in our stars, brave heart, mists of avalon


83. Mean Girls or Mean Girls 2?
mean girls


84. Mean Girls or 21 Jump Street?
21 jump street

85. Favourite character from Mean Girls?
don't remember her name


86. Favourite character from Finding Nemo?
Nemo.


87. First person you talked to today?
Not talked but wrote, T

88. Last person you talked to today?
idk ??? hope it's T though

89. Name a person you hate?
Can't hate, just dislike persons very much.


90. Name a person you love?
T


91. Is there anyone you want to punch in the face right now?
nope.


92. In a fight with someone?
no


93. How many sweatpants do you have?
5 i think


94. How many sweaters/hoodies do you have?
5 i think


95. Last movie you watched?
the fault in our stars


96. Favourite actress?
angelina jolie


97. Favourite actor?
johnny depp


98. Do you tan a lot?
a bit


99. Have any pets?
nope, but want to.


100. How are you feeling?
ok, though more happy


101. Do you type fast?
Sometimes yes.

102. Do you regret anything from your past?
Yes a lot actually.

103. Can you spell well?
kinda

104. Do you miss anyone from your past?
Yes i do.


105. Ever been to a bonfire party?
no


106. Ever broken someone’s heart?
I think so.


107. Have you ever been on a horse?
ya, many times.


108. What should you be doing?
should be sleeping but I'll stay awake 'cause I won't sleep


109. Is something irritating you right now?
the wierd light in my room , my ears.


110. Have you ever liked someone so much it hurt?
yes i have.


111. Do you have trust issues?
... i've said it earlier.

112. Who was the last person you cried in front of?
my mom


113. What was your childhood nickname?
Fej-fej, fefflan, jenny , solifer <3


114. Have you ever been out of your province/state?
yes, Turkey, finland, norway, stockholm, göteborg, gävle osv.


115. Do you play the Wii?
not atm


116. Are you listening to music right now?
yes Jamestown story I dont wanna lose you


117. Do you like chicken noodle soup?
Yes i do.


118. Do you like Chinese food?
it's ok but i like thai more

119. Favourite book?
the fault in our stars, 14 år till salu, skamfläck m.m


120. Are you afraid of the dark?
Sometimes, specially when i've watched on a horrormovie.


121. Are you mean?
No unless you are mean to me, otherless i'm the opposite.


122. Is cheating ever okay?
Never.


123. Can you keep white shoes clean?
not for a very long time, I'm impossible.


124. Do you believe in love at first sight?
Yes i do, but i want to know more about the person before i fall in love.

125. Do you believe in true love?
Yes i do.


126. Are you currently bored?
Nope.


127. What makes you happy?
T


128. Would you change your name?
No


129. What your zodiac sign?
fish

130. Do you like subway?
Not really


131. Your best friend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do?
looks suprised and confused.


132. Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with?
T

133. Favourite lyrics right now?
I don't wanna lose you, shadow moses

134. Can you count to one million?
never done it

135. Dumbest lie you ever told?
I'm fine

136. Do you sleep with your doors open or closed?
Closed


137. How tall are you?
1,79 and a half ^^

138. Curly or Straight hair?
Straight hair

139. Brunette or Blonde?
Blonde


140. Summer or Winter?
Winter

141. Night or Day?
Night


142. Favourite month?
August or october


143. Are you a vegetarian?
nope, I keep away from some kind though

144. Dark, milk or white chocolate?
milk chocolate

145. Tea or Coffee?
TEA o.0


146. Was today a good day?
Yeah but i hope it will the rest of the day.

147. Mars or Snickers?
mars


148. What’s your favourite quote?
"Love is louder than the pressure to be perfect "

149. Do you believe in ghosts?
Yes.

150. Get the closet book NEXT to you, open it to page 42, what’s the first line on that page?
Dear diary - my own