Hade litet överflöde av tankar..

I'm strong, my mind is next to impossible to hurt, but it also made my feelings next to impossible to touch.. I am happy for being so aware of everything as I am. But at the same time, it restricts a lot of ''suspense'' from my life as I know and analyze everything too well.. I've clearly had too much time by myself to think, and too little people to share with.. My way of thinking allows me to be really confident in myself and what I do and creates me a huge defensive ego, altho I'm really afraid of approaching others.. I don't know measures for my discomfort when getting involved in someone else's business or making changes in their lives altho I'd love to.. It feels a little like my mind would be blocking new people from coming to my life because I'm so afraid of hurting them or affecting them in some negative way.. Like my defensive ego didn't only defend me, but it also defends others from me. I have a inkling of this having to do with how I was treated and manipulated by authorities as a younger kid, given the thought that I was bad company for everyone in my age.. Because I was a fighter for my rights and stood steady like a mountain over my opinions and arguments, I was a rebel if someone tried to feed me lies or abuse their rights over me. Sadly knowing the situation and causes in and out doesn't clear my mind from these bugs biting me apart.. Which is the only thing I cannot accept nor live with.. I'm trying to make it change day after day, trying to bind more relationships as I now know there's nothing wrong with me. But altho it all goes well and I can find friends and have a great time with people I get the feeling of the situation being awkward and fake after a while as the ''ego'' invades my thoughts.. With its ''protecting others from my anarchist'ish way of living''. It's like my consciousness would be whipped and teared in pieces if I influenced someone with my life.. This might be some real deep thinking and writing and I surely don't expect anyone to know how I feel nor do I want them to treat me differently, I only wish for them to be aware of who I really am and why I am this way. I really do care about everyone in my life, I love and accept you for who you are no matter if there would be things we'd disagree about. But unless you will show me your acceptance and appreciation for me being in your life I might really easily get struck by the facts authorities fed me and I'll automatically distance myself from you.. I fear fighting for someone because I'm afraid to make them uncomfortable.. So what I want to point out is that if you like me then let me know that we're fighting for our relation together, my hand chained to yours and yours to mine and I assure you we will have great times together.<3