speakminds blogg

Yesterday i went to see this.... ...with Ellens family. It was so bitterly cold. I felt numb. Ellen barely acknowledged me, a few words...she held my hand in the car for a short while, but pulled away. I hold no grudge, her family do not approve of me. The glow from the fire was the evenings grace, it brought back a welcomed nostalgia.

Done nothing but swedish today. i just want to talk to her, but she has so many people telling her how cute and much they want to be with her all the time. i dont have a single hope in hell. swedish only distracts me for so long. i wrote her something and she cried. she said she hasnt cried in a while.. i dont know if i like that i made her cry, i like that it meant enough. i want to hold her and make her feel whole again. it doesnt help that im so fucking awkward.

Ellens 18 next month, ill have to stand in a room full of people i care nothing about listening to modern shit...

fuck that.

I want to move. I want to move to a country i know barely anything about. I want a camera, to take pictures no one will look at but me. I want to write and play guitar and live off tea. I want to do nothing for the rest of my life but read and fuck and feel something.

leaving school is a bad idea, i dont want to fuck up the only chance i have. to get to stockholm i need swedish B. I'm A1 at best.

Working and learning is an uphill struggle when you're lost, i'll tell you that for free.

my ellens away for the week doing some kind of work in scotland. i had 3 free periods today and they all sucked. i walked round town for a bit but im not getting important shit done.

swedish people come at me.