Chuck Norris är Gud

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James Cameron wanted Chuck Norris to play the Terminator. However, upon reflection, he realized that would have turned his movie into a documentary, so he went with Arnold Schwarzenegger.

If you have five dollars and Chuck Norris has five dollars, Chuck Norris has more money than you.

Giraffes only exist because Chuck Norris decided to uppercut a horse.

When Chuck Norris jumps in a swimming pool, Chuck Norris doesn't get wet. Instead, water gets Chuck Norris.

When Chuck Norris does a push up, he doesn't push himself up; he pushes the earth down.

All of Jay Z's 99 Problems Are Chuck Norris.

Some kid once back-chatted Chuck Norris.
This has been record by scientists as the worse mistake ever made .

When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."

Chuck Norris made an onion cry.

One day, Chuck Norris and his niece were out hiking when his niece asked him "How much wood could a wood chuck chuck if a wood-chuck could chuck wood?" Chuck Norris took offense to this and ripped out her throat. 5 Months later he realized the irony of the joke and laughed so hard that any woman in a 50 mile radius got pregnant.

Apple pays Chuck Norris 99 cents every time he listens to a song.

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

There is no chin behind Chuck NorrisÂ’ beard. There is only another fist.

Chuck NorrisÂ’ hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.

When Chuck Norris talks, everybody listens. And dies.

On his birthday, Chuck Norris randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.

Chuck Norris grinds his coffee with his teeth and boils the water with his own rage.

Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.

Chuck Norris and Mr. T walked into a bar. The bar was instantly destroyed, as that level of awesome cannot be contained in one building.

There are no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, Chuck Norris lives in Oklahoma.

Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.

Chuck Norris played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.

What’s known as the UFC, or Ultimate Fighting Championship, doesn’t use its full name, which happens to be “Ultimate Fighting Championship, Non-Chuck-Norris-Division”.

Chuck Norris wears a live rattlesnake as a condom.

Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its decendants are known today as Giraffes.

Chuck Norris wipes his ass with chain mail and sandpaper.

Chuck Norris doesn't own a can opener, he just chews through the can.

Chuck Norris doesn't wear a watch. HE decides what time it is.